Frank Sinatra Philosophies

I'm getting a little obsessed with this whole blogging deal. I blog at least twice a day, but I think that's inevitable when you've got more to say than you can handle.

So, I'm bored. Which, this time around, is not cool.

Now, I don't exactly wanna get into that right now. Cause I'm not exactly sure how to handle all of this. I think I'm at a stage in my life where all I want is romance. 15 is so early for all of that, isn't it? But I read all these stories, and watch all these movies and tv shows, and they all revolve around love and romance. Sometimes I get caught up in the stories I read, and the tv shows I watch and I just think "why?". Why is everyone else able to form a coherent conversation around the opposite sex, and I just stand there. Why does everyone seem to find a boyfriend, and my relationships have lasted a maximum of two weeks. That's the longest relationship. I'm serious. I hate boys thinking that I'm a piece of meat, so whenever I get a "vibe" I push them away. And I almost always get a vibe. I'm not exactly psychic, but I'm pretty good at sorting the bad ones and the good ones. I hate that everyone else has felt fireworks, weak knees, and butterflies, when I've only felt the butterflies. That's probably cause I have an anxiety disorder. I want to know that one day all of this waiting will be worth while. That just because everyone else throws around the "l-word" and usually don't mean it, doesn't mean it won't happen for me. I just need to know that someone's out there for me. Someone who'll love that I'm so clumsy I trip over my own feet, that I get nervous at the drop of a dime, that I'm so incredibly neurotic. I just want the little things to make the big things happen. Does that make sense? I just want it soooo badly. It's like a need. A want is too small of a concept. Sometimes my thoughts entwine so much that I lose control a little bit. I don't know who I am anymore. Isn't that the first step to discovering yourself? Admitting you don't know. Admitting that sometimes its hard to go day to day. Admitting that the heart leads, while the mind attends to your needs. I think I've just had an epiphany. I need to realize that life doesn't wait for anyone. Life is the Tyra Banks of the world. It plows through that runway, and if you do it Tyra Banks style, you'll walk that runway with ferocity. But if you give in and only do it half way, you're losing the game without even finishing it. I'm not sure any of that makes sense anywhere other than my head, but if it does, then amen. It's so hard for me to walk up and be confident. People tell me I'm a pretty girl, and sure, I'm all right. But that's not where confidence comes from. Confidence errupts from the sould. The heart. The spirit. You have to feel it. You have to know it. It has to escape from every part of your body. After that, it doesn't matter if you're tall, short, skinny, fat, blonde, or brunette. It's all about you. I think I'm starting to understand the game.

I need to make what I read a reality.

"You got to love living, baby, 'cause dying is a pain in the ass."-Frank Sinatra