It Is What It Is

So, I'm really bad at cheesy. But here goes.

3 years ago, oh oh, I knew we'd still be friends.

The way you talk and smile,

best friends walk more than a mile.

I know you, I understand, I'd take pictures,

but my memories last longer.

I'll know you, 10 years later,

when things are harder then they seem.

You haven't exactly stayed the same

And you don't exactly have anyone to blame.

45 seconds left on the clock

We're going to crashhhhh into that semi-truck.

Hold on tight,

We're in for a ridiculous fight.

You gotta take a risk.

And try to clean up the mess.

45 seconds left on the clock.

6 years after, you find who you are.

Inside and out.

You'll thank me and the rest, but it was always you who did it.

You started completely lost, and found yourself along the way.

We're still here, searching for what to say.

I'll miss you, miss who we were.

I be here, when you get so damn lost

It took awhile, to understand each other.

Why bother?

Why care? Were we scared?

It's cause, you'll always be my best friend

We have those silly fights, but we're okay

I know we understand each other, more than we think

Chorus: 45 seconds left on the clock

We're going to crashhhhhh into that semi-truck

Hold on tight

We're in for a ridiculous rride

You gotta do what you gotta do

And hope it all follows through

45 seconds left on the clock

I hear those people, what they wanna say.

I try to push away my fear, but always seems to stay.

No one's ever here, no one ever tries to be

There's a lot more to me, then they think

I laugh, I smile, but keeps findin' me

This pain, is so unreal, I can't bare to breathe

45 seconds left on the clock

I hear that time bomb, it goes tick-tock

I feel the wind, brush past my face

I feel like this is such a silly race

Their crying with me, I can hear their screams

I guess its not all as it seems

45 seconds left on the clock

They look at me, they see the things they want to

I do not fear them, do not care, I'm just scared of myself

This burning rage inside of me will not stay tame forever

And when it breaks free they'll all see what I'm made of

And once it happens let me break through....

45 seconds left on the clock

People praying for good luck

I hear the children cry and weep

Their having a hard time getting sleep

They worry for things they should not

They listened as their parents faught

I'm weeping in my own sorrow

When it's my happiness they should borrow

45 seconds left on the clock

Time and time again we forget

Who we were, the things we regret

There must be a space in time

And I must always get caught in

The clock reads 11:11

I make a wish, will it ever happen?

It's such shame, the mistakes we make

I've got 45 seconds to change my fate

Want, Need, Take

For my birthday, I asked my parents for one thing: hair extensions.

Now, that sounds completely materialistic, but I'm like incredibly self concious about my hair. So, what better than hair extensions.

But my mom just ruined it. I don't think she gets how much I want this. Or she does, but doesn't give a flying whoop.

No, that's not true. I'm just pissed. I guess she just doesn't want me to get my hopes up.

Which I guess is good.

Somewhat.

For future feelings, it is.

I think I bitch and moan about her and how she treats me because she's always telling the truth. Sometimes I don't need the truth. Especially when I need to be comforted.

Which completely contradicts one of my earlier posts, but it's how I feel now.

Do you think I'm insane?

Wait, no. Don't answer that.

My dads been pissing me off lately too. I haven't really been able to hangout out with him lately, and I like hanging out with my parents.

I whine so much. I only whine on here though. I never say this stuff in real life. Which is both good or bad.

I don't bug people with it, but it starts to build up inside. So this whole blogging thing helps, so much.

I'm incredibly curious at how many people even read my posts. Who take the time to read all my morals, themes, quotes, and bitching. I guess I almost NEED to know. So, I'm begging, will you leave a comment to let me know how I'm doing? Or just to tell me what you like? Because I wanna know that I'm not super crazy, or alone.

So, on to new topics while you're pondering where or not to comment (which you should do) let's talk about Greek. I have a huge thing for Jesse McCartney, so it's a huge deal that he's starring in it. And I mean HUGE.

And Matt Lanter from 90120 is almost the epitome of my dream guy. Tall, dark, and handsome. Dangerous. Danger seriously turns me on.

What's really sad is that I have a crush on a boy from school who barely knows that I'm alive. It's sad but thrilling. He has a girlfriend, and as much as this might sound out of spite for the two of them dating, she's fugly. Honestly, she is. You would probably agree. And, it's not like I think ill ever date him. I know I won't. Shit, I'm positive we won't. This isn't a movie, y'know? Real life doesn't fall along to what you want it too. I figured that out a long time ago.
I wish he would realize I existed though. Wouldn't that sum things up? I guess not. I used to care about being apart of the popular crowd, I used to indulge myself in that group of people. But then I realized the people who truly love me are the ones I've been dismissing, and I think the minute I left that group of kids was the moment I lost my chance with the popular boys. But ALL I want is that one boy.
Let's call him Bob. Obviously that's not his name. We used to be friends. Actually, he tied my tennis shoes for me in kindergarten, and I think that was my first memory of him. He's always been cute. I'm not sure if I'm in love with him, or the idea of him.

I guess I won't ever know.
But what if I really want to know?
I WANT him so badly.
Not in the lovey dovey way, which would be nice, but I just want to be able to say that I was able to get him

I wish.

Do you agree that anything is possible?

The Fainting Game

"People who think dying is the worst thing don't know a thing about life."- The Secret Life Of Bees

I love that book. And that quote.

It's completely true though, isn't it?

I guess I would know. I watched someone die. I was about 12, and I had just gotten back to our apartment with my mom. We decided to go outside, to the pool. When we got there, my moms former best friend was crying. Her eyes were bright red, swollen, and tear streaks were apparent. She told us that her friends son had drowned and asked us to drive her to the hospital, and of course, we agreed.
When we got there, I saw the mother of the four year old boy, along with his aunt and grandmother.
The doctors came out about half an hour later and told us he had passed. He told us that we could go into the room and say our farewells.
Now, take note, I wasn't familiar with this boy or his family. I barely new them. The memories are still a little foggy.
When we got into the room, I saw this little boy, but he didn't look dead, he looked like he was sleeping. Peaceful. That's when it shivered through me. He wasn't waking up.
I immediately began crying. Not because I new him. Not because he was family. Not because I was close with his family. But because he wouldn't ever get the chance to live his life. I cried like I had just lost my legs. I felt like the world was crashing around me. Like it was over.
And then his mother came over to me and patted me on the shoulder. She gave my hand a squeeze, and smiled slightly. This woman, whose son had just died, was comforting me. Of all the people in that tiny room, she was the one telling me it was okay to cry.
I kept crying. I think I cried for hours that night. But before we left, I remember thinking how she must have strength to comfort a little girl who doesn't know any better than to cry.
That night I witnessed what happens in the real world, I witnessed death, humanity, and strength. It's a memory I haven't been able to forget.

But it made me realize, death happens. We aren't invincible. Sometimes we think we are because the world hasn't touched us yet, but when it does, you remember that the world isn't going to stop for you. That's why you have to keep going, and remain optimistic.

I don't know why my posts always have a moral, but it's usually because it's somewhat of a theme for me. Everyday I learn a new theme. And everyday I try to live it. I'm just a kid, and trying to get it out of my had that life isn't always this fogged up.

"Dream as if you'll live forever, live as if you'll die today."- James Dean

They Call Her "Connie Fi Dent"

"It's so stupid what being afraid does to us. So stupid..."

One of my exceptionally good friends, Isabel, said that today.

It's so beyond true. Holding back sucks. No if's and's or but's.

Today I went up to a group of guys, and told them my friend thought they were hot. They kinda got awkward, and ran away. But I had the guts to go up to them and say it. I haven't been able to do that in a long time. And sure, it stung that they ran away, but no big deal. Plenty of fish in the sea! Right? Yes.

So, here's the moral: screw fear. Even if your hearts beating super fast, and you're scared shitless, act like you own thw world.

People won't know the difference.

Best Day in a Long Time

I hung out with my best friend today for the first time in 4 months. That may or may not seem like a long time, but it is.

And we are legitimately BEST FRIENDS. Almost twins. Each others half. We think the same way. Talk the same way. Finish each others sentences. And we both look at life through a movie point of view. It's insane how attached to each other we are.

I don't think I'll get into why we haven't hung out in 4 months, because I'm not exactly up to tell that story yet, but I'm glad we finally did.

Here's what we did today (in order)

1. Walked to Lunds
2. Bought root beer, beef jerky, and chocolate
3. Pigged out
4. Walked to the park
5. Played truth
6. Played more truth
7. Went back to her house
8. Went on her tramp and took pictures.
9. Sang and belted our hearts out.

We did more, but it's making nostalgic.

To sum it up, it was one hell of an amazing day.

This post is dedicated to my best friend Sophya Brooks! I love you, twin.

I promise to write even juicier stuff tomorrow, but I wanted to record how this day went so I could remember it.

Warning*i will probably write more about this day tomorrow but it's 2:37 am right now, so I'm off to a much needed sleep.

Not An Error

I went out with my friends around 5:00 pm today. I don't know what it is about being with friends that gives me the biggest confidence boost. Seriously, I go from crying in a corner to flirting with random boys.

I assure you, I am not a slut. I'm still a virgin, and I haven't even gone past second base. Which is pretty good for a 15 year old in America. I just enjoy a good flirting.

Anywho, I think an extremely good pick me up is a car ride with girls who can make you laugh at the drop of a dime. Sure, there's pettyness there, it's high school, but it doesn't have to ruin the moment.

I don't really know how many people read this,( and if you do read it, a comment to let me know how I'm doing with all of this) but I have some advice for the people who feel stuck: it doesn't last. That feeling of hollowness goes away. it isn't the end, and it doesn't have to be.

I'll be truthful and say I've had suicidal thoughts before, and I've thought it through. Just yesterday I read the book "13 Reasons Why". An exceptional read about suicide. It made me realize that as much as I might feel like I'm done, I'm not. And even if that moment feel hopeless, it isn't. I'm sure being a teenager makes all of this inevitable, and my heart chooses my path while my brain analyzes it.

My point is, your mind mistakes the bad situations as the end. And your heart usually knows better, even if it is broken in the slightest. Think it through. Know yourself. Don't ever underestimate who you are.

And if you need someone to listen to you, my email is dreamer_4_life@msn.com.

Don't be afraid to vent it out, cause I'm not one to judge.

Until tomorrow, or I guess since its 1 am, today.

Fuck the Rules

Fuck the rules. Fuck the boundaries. Fuck anyone that gets in your way. Just go for it. Speak your mind. Tell the truth. And let yourself feel what you need to feel. Because if you hold back, even just a little bit, you're going to end up hurting yourself, and saying things you might regret.

I think the real reason people don't speak the truth is because it's like a leash. It hold you back and keeps you sustained. But when you become honest, and speak the truth, you become free. You aren't worried about what people think and you're just okay.

I think that leash makes people feel secure and security so important. I think that's why my mom's on my case so much. She wants me to feel secure, but with rules. I used to think she knew the line between friend and parent, but she's gotten too comfortable with it. She picks on everything about me from my hair to my clothes to my skin. It just stings sometimes? I feel like I'm in a chokehold in a wrestling match the never seems to loosen up.

I've tried telling her, but she laughs and says that it's not that bad. It is. It really is. Sometimes I just feel like breaking down and crying.

Which I'm doing right now.
My mom just yelled at me for losing my key.

Sometimes I hate her.

Sometimes I swear at her undermy breath.

Sometimes I think how much things would change if we really switched places.

How she would feel.

Then I realize that it's not possible

And I cry even harder.

Frank Sinatra Philosophies

I'm getting a little obsessed with this whole blogging deal. I blog at least twice a day, but I think that's inevitable when you've got more to say than you can handle.

So, I'm bored. Which, this time around, is not cool.

Now, I don't exactly wanna get into that right now. Cause I'm not exactly sure how to handle all of this. I think I'm at a stage in my life where all I want is romance. 15 is so early for all of that, isn't it? But I read all these stories, and watch all these movies and tv shows, and they all revolve around love and romance. Sometimes I get caught up in the stories I read, and the tv shows I watch and I just think "why?". Why is everyone else able to form a coherent conversation around the opposite sex, and I just stand there. Why does everyone seem to find a boyfriend, and my relationships have lasted a maximum of two weeks. That's the longest relationship. I'm serious. I hate boys thinking that I'm a piece of meat, so whenever I get a "vibe" I push them away. And I almost always get a vibe. I'm not exactly psychic, but I'm pretty good at sorting the bad ones and the good ones. I hate that everyone else has felt fireworks, weak knees, and butterflies, when I've only felt the butterflies. That's probably cause I have an anxiety disorder. I want to know that one day all of this waiting will be worth while. That just because everyone else throws around the "l-word" and usually don't mean it, doesn't mean it won't happen for me. I just need to know that someone's out there for me. Someone who'll love that I'm so clumsy I trip over my own feet, that I get nervous at the drop of a dime, that I'm so incredibly neurotic. I just want the little things to make the big things happen. Does that make sense? I just want it soooo badly. It's like a need. A want is too small of a concept. Sometimes my thoughts entwine so much that I lose control a little bit. I don't know who I am anymore. Isn't that the first step to discovering yourself? Admitting you don't know. Admitting that sometimes its hard to go day to day. Admitting that the heart leads, while the mind attends to your needs. I think I've just had an epiphany. I need to realize that life doesn't wait for anyone. Life is the Tyra Banks of the world. It plows through that runway, and if you do it Tyra Banks style, you'll walk that runway with ferocity. But if you give in and only do it half way, you're losing the game without even finishing it. I'm not sure any of that makes sense anywhere other than my head, but if it does, then amen. It's so hard for me to walk up and be confident. People tell me I'm a pretty girl, and sure, I'm all right. But that's not where confidence comes from. Confidence errupts from the sould. The heart. The spirit. You have to feel it. You have to know it. It has to escape from every part of your body. After that, it doesn't matter if you're tall, short, skinny, fat, blonde, or brunette. It's all about you. I think I'm starting to understand the game.

I need to make what I read a reality.

"You got to love living, baby, 'cause dying is a pain in the ass."-Frank Sinatra

I don't know what point I am at my life. It's weird. I feel like I'm stuck in quicksand. Ha. Quicksand. In Minnesota. That's like 1000 miles from possible. Well, if anything, I'd like to be where possible is. Whether it's a 1000 miles away or not. I must sound completely off the wooden wall. But I don't care.

Let's do the bookstore chronicles.

I saw Hennepin again today. She was with her sister Phoebe. I was getting a Iced Chai Tea Latte at Barnes and Noble Starbucks. I felt a tap on my shoulder, and I turned and saw Hennepin with a girl. Hennepin was smiling wide and so was Phoebe.

"Hi Selin! It's good to see you again sugar plum!" See, the thing about Hennepin, which I'm figuring out little by little, is that she likes pet names.

"Hey Hennepin! Yeah, funny that we keep bumping into each other. Iced Chai Tea Latte?" By now her sister was smiling wider than ever.

"But of course. By the way, this is my sister Phoebe. I've told her of your addiction to all those shows, and wouldn't you know, she's obsessed with'em to!" Phoebe stuck out her hand. So I shook it.

"Yeah! I love Charmed, 90210, Gilmore Girls, and One Tree Hill! Which ones your favorite?" She was a little older than me, but at this moment, she seemed to be just my age.

"Ah! I love ALL of them. One Tree Hill used to be my all time favorite, and the old seasons still are, but I'm getting a little addicted to 90210. It's on tonight!(Yesterday)."

"I know!!!!!!!" Then her phone rang, and she excused herself.

"That's her boyfriend. He's abusive." See, right then, my jaw kind of dropped.

"Oh." Was all I could actually come up with.

"Yeah, she came home one day, and she was black and blue from head to toe. Well, I should go find her. It was nice to see you!"

So, I'm hoping she'll be there tonight when I go again.

I'll write more later.

Until then, tootles.