You're Gonna Go Far, Kid.

I haven't written in a long time. Sorry for that. It's been a pretty intense summer. Sometimes I wonder how much of it was real.

But that's for another post, maybe. ;)

I've been sick for a couple weeks now. Bad bad bad.

Okay, I always have a topic, and this post isn't any different.

I'm a teenager...but do you think it's beyond that? I mean, just because I haven't been around for a million years, doesn't mean I don't know who I am. I do. I really do. I'm pretty comfortable with myself, and I'm always honest. Not Kanye honest, cause that's just being an asshole.

WOW. Let's talk about that. Did you WATCH the VMA's??!!! WHAT AN ASS! Honestly, Taylor Swift did NOT deserve that. So, Kanye should honestly go fall onto something sharp.

But I'm out of writing ideas.

Tell me if you missed me! <3

Don't be a Chrissy Complainer.

I've been thinking...why do we care what other people think? I mean, is it because we need to balance superficiality with reality? But that doesn't exactly mean we have to care what people think, does it? I'm not sure.
I've been having a lot of problems with people who rely too much on superficial, materialistic things. I don't do that, you know? I try my hardest to be just me, even if it doesn't work out that way. I'm still trying, right?
Other people don't even try. They just rely on what others think.

"You can't make everyone like, but you can make everyone fear you."- Blair.

It's true, fear is easier than like. I mean, people can be afraid rather than enjoy your time. I hate making others fearful, but I have used it to my advantage before.

I had a fight with a friend last night. She said she doesn't know who I am anymore. More or less, she doesn't want to know who I am without me being attached to her hip. In truth, we haven't been best friends for a long time. The moment she decided that she wasn't strong, was the moment I decided I am. Opposites may attract in some situations, but not for me. Similarity makes all the difference. I think strength does too. I have a difficult time befriending people who don't love themselves.

The worst thing about those kind of people, the ones who just can't love themselves, is that they expect you to love them. Mind over matter. I don't mind, and it doesn't matter.

"Mind over matter. The people who mind don't matter, and the people who matter won't mind."

It's true. And I mind. So, I guess I am not exactly the right friend for her. Maybe I'm talking myself out of being her best friend. I don't know. What I do know is that I don't trust myself to be her best friend, because I don't trust HER. Is that bad? That must be a little hurtful. I'm not sure if I care. Tough love, baby. You learn by taking your head out of space.

But, I do love her as a person. Maybe just not as a person I trust completely.

Onto other things.

My mother still treats me like I'm two. I'm actually 16. I'm getting my license in 1 week. So, why can't she just let me grow up?

I know, she's a mom.

Whatever. Maybe I just love complaining?

Bite me.

It Is What It Is

So, I'm really bad at cheesy. But here goes.

3 years ago, oh oh, I knew we'd still be friends.

The way you talk and smile,

best friends walk more than a mile.

I know you, I understand, I'd take pictures,

but my memories last longer.

I'll know you, 10 years later,

when things are harder then they seem.

You haven't exactly stayed the same

And you don't exactly have anyone to blame.

45 seconds left on the clock

We're going to crashhhhh into that semi-truck.

Hold on tight,

We're in for a ridiculous fight.

You gotta take a risk.

And try to clean up the mess.

45 seconds left on the clock.

6 years after, you find who you are.

Inside and out.

You'll thank me and the rest, but it was always you who did it.

You started completely lost, and found yourself along the way.

We're still here, searching for what to say.

I'll miss you, miss who we were.

I be here, when you get so damn lost

It took awhile, to understand each other.

Why bother?

Why care? Were we scared?

It's cause, you'll always be my best friend

We have those silly fights, but we're okay

I know we understand each other, more than we think

Chorus: 45 seconds left on the clock

We're going to crashhhhhh into that semi-truck

Hold on tight

We're in for a ridiculous rride

You gotta do what you gotta do

And hope it all follows through

45 seconds left on the clock

I hear those people, what they wanna say.

I try to push away my fear, but always seems to stay.

No one's ever here, no one ever tries to be

There's a lot more to me, then they think

I laugh, I smile, but keeps findin' me

This pain, is so unreal, I can't bare to breathe

45 seconds left on the clock

I hear that time bomb, it goes tick-tock

I feel the wind, brush past my face

I feel like this is such a silly race

Their crying with me, I can hear their screams

I guess its not all as it seems

45 seconds left on the clock

They look at me, they see the things they want to

I do not fear them, do not care, I'm just scared of myself

This burning rage inside of me will not stay tame forever

And when it breaks free they'll all see what I'm made of

And once it happens let me break through....

45 seconds left on the clock

People praying for good luck

I hear the children cry and weep

Their having a hard time getting sleep

They worry for things they should not

They listened as their parents faught

I'm weeping in my own sorrow

When it's my happiness they should borrow

45 seconds left on the clock

Time and time again we forget

Who we were, the things we regret

There must be a space in time

And I must always get caught in

The clock reads 11:11

I make a wish, will it ever happen?

It's such shame, the mistakes we make

I've got 45 seconds to change my fate

Want, Need, Take

For my birthday, I asked my parents for one thing: hair extensions.

Now, that sounds completely materialistic, but I'm like incredibly self concious about my hair. So, what better than hair extensions.

But my mom just ruined it. I don't think she gets how much I want this. Or she does, but doesn't give a flying whoop.

No, that's not true. I'm just pissed. I guess she just doesn't want me to get my hopes up.

Which I guess is good.

Somewhat.

For future feelings, it is.

I think I bitch and moan about her and how she treats me because she's always telling the truth. Sometimes I don't need the truth. Especially when I need to be comforted.

Which completely contradicts one of my earlier posts, but it's how I feel now.

Do you think I'm insane?

Wait, no. Don't answer that.

My dads been pissing me off lately too. I haven't really been able to hangout out with him lately, and I like hanging out with my parents.

I whine so much. I only whine on here though. I never say this stuff in real life. Which is both good or bad.

I don't bug people with it, but it starts to build up inside. So this whole blogging thing helps, so much.

I'm incredibly curious at how many people even read my posts. Who take the time to read all my morals, themes, quotes, and bitching. I guess I almost NEED to know. So, I'm begging, will you leave a comment to let me know how I'm doing? Or just to tell me what you like? Because I wanna know that I'm not super crazy, or alone.

So, on to new topics while you're pondering where or not to comment (which you should do) let's talk about Greek. I have a huge thing for Jesse McCartney, so it's a huge deal that he's starring in it. And I mean HUGE.

And Matt Lanter from 90120 is almost the epitome of my dream guy. Tall, dark, and handsome. Dangerous. Danger seriously turns me on.

What's really sad is that I have a crush on a boy from school who barely knows that I'm alive. It's sad but thrilling. He has a girlfriend, and as much as this might sound out of spite for the two of them dating, she's fugly. Honestly, she is. You would probably agree. And, it's not like I think ill ever date him. I know I won't. Shit, I'm positive we won't. This isn't a movie, y'know? Real life doesn't fall along to what you want it too. I figured that out a long time ago.
I wish he would realize I existed though. Wouldn't that sum things up? I guess not. I used to care about being apart of the popular crowd, I used to indulge myself in that group of people. But then I realized the people who truly love me are the ones I've been dismissing, and I think the minute I left that group of kids was the moment I lost my chance with the popular boys. But ALL I want is that one boy.
Let's call him Bob. Obviously that's not his name. We used to be friends. Actually, he tied my tennis shoes for me in kindergarten, and I think that was my first memory of him. He's always been cute. I'm not sure if I'm in love with him, or the idea of him.

I guess I won't ever know.
But what if I really want to know?
I WANT him so badly.
Not in the lovey dovey way, which would be nice, but I just want to be able to say that I was able to get him

I wish.

Do you agree that anything is possible?

The Fainting Game

"People who think dying is the worst thing don't know a thing about life."- The Secret Life Of Bees

I love that book. And that quote.

It's completely true though, isn't it?

I guess I would know. I watched someone die. I was about 12, and I had just gotten back to our apartment with my mom. We decided to go outside, to the pool. When we got there, my moms former best friend was crying. Her eyes were bright red, swollen, and tear streaks were apparent. She told us that her friends son had drowned and asked us to drive her to the hospital, and of course, we agreed.
When we got there, I saw the mother of the four year old boy, along with his aunt and grandmother.
The doctors came out about half an hour later and told us he had passed. He told us that we could go into the room and say our farewells.
Now, take note, I wasn't familiar with this boy or his family. I barely new them. The memories are still a little foggy.
When we got into the room, I saw this little boy, but he didn't look dead, he looked like he was sleeping. Peaceful. That's when it shivered through me. He wasn't waking up.
I immediately began crying. Not because I new him. Not because he was family. Not because I was close with his family. But because he wouldn't ever get the chance to live his life. I cried like I had just lost my legs. I felt like the world was crashing around me. Like it was over.
And then his mother came over to me and patted me on the shoulder. She gave my hand a squeeze, and smiled slightly. This woman, whose son had just died, was comforting me. Of all the people in that tiny room, she was the one telling me it was okay to cry.
I kept crying. I think I cried for hours that night. But before we left, I remember thinking how she must have strength to comfort a little girl who doesn't know any better than to cry.
That night I witnessed what happens in the real world, I witnessed death, humanity, and strength. It's a memory I haven't been able to forget.

But it made me realize, death happens. We aren't invincible. Sometimes we think we are because the world hasn't touched us yet, but when it does, you remember that the world isn't going to stop for you. That's why you have to keep going, and remain optimistic.

I don't know why my posts always have a moral, but it's usually because it's somewhat of a theme for me. Everyday I learn a new theme. And everyday I try to live it. I'm just a kid, and trying to get it out of my had that life isn't always this fogged up.

"Dream as if you'll live forever, live as if you'll die today."- James Dean

They Call Her "Connie Fi Dent"

"It's so stupid what being afraid does to us. So stupid..."

One of my exceptionally good friends, Isabel, said that today.

It's so beyond true. Holding back sucks. No if's and's or but's.

Today I went up to a group of guys, and told them my friend thought they were hot. They kinda got awkward, and ran away. But I had the guts to go up to them and say it. I haven't been able to do that in a long time. And sure, it stung that they ran away, but no big deal. Plenty of fish in the sea! Right? Yes.

So, here's the moral: screw fear. Even if your hearts beating super fast, and you're scared shitless, act like you own thw world.

People won't know the difference.

Best Day in a Long Time

I hung out with my best friend today for the first time in 4 months. That may or may not seem like a long time, but it is.

And we are legitimately BEST FRIENDS. Almost twins. Each others half. We think the same way. Talk the same way. Finish each others sentences. And we both look at life through a movie point of view. It's insane how attached to each other we are.

I don't think I'll get into why we haven't hung out in 4 months, because I'm not exactly up to tell that story yet, but I'm glad we finally did.

Here's what we did today (in order)

1. Walked to Lunds
2. Bought root beer, beef jerky, and chocolate
3. Pigged out
4. Walked to the park
5. Played truth
6. Played more truth
7. Went back to her house
8. Went on her tramp and took pictures.
9. Sang and belted our hearts out.

We did more, but it's making nostalgic.

To sum it up, it was one hell of an amazing day.

This post is dedicated to my best friend Sophya Brooks! I love you, twin.

I promise to write even juicier stuff tomorrow, but I wanted to record how this day went so I could remember it.

Warning*i will probably write more about this day tomorrow but it's 2:37 am right now, so I'm off to a much needed sleep.